Brought to You by the Letter B

So, today is my birthday.

I’m 35 years old today. Half way to 70 and really….it doesn’t mean a thing to me. I’m not upset about being old or feeling old or feeling young or anything. Age is pretty much a non-factor to me.

Bitter….

This morning, Xandra and Becca and Brianna brought me coffee in bed. They made six cups of coffee and used 6 scoops of grounds. Needless to say, the coffee was wicked bitter but had some serious kick to it. I was brutally tired, but am quite awake right now.

Breakfast….

Shortly after the coffee arrived, breakfast was brought up. A huge bowl of fruit all sliced up and ready to go. Then they brought a menu up with options for a nice breakfast downstairs…….so so sweet.

Boys……

Just before we headed down stairs for the girls breakfast, I had all of my boys in bed with me. Jon, Jeremy, Josiah and Judah….One day if my girls leave home, I may end up in a house full of men/boys…..I love my boys.

Bananas….

I came downstairs. Sat down at the fancy breakfast table and the girls brought me a banana with 4 candles in it. It was cute and weird and wonderful.

Barfing…

And then Geli woke up and started barfing……

Bawling….

And then she started crying because she is in pain and barfing and doesn’t want to deal with all of this.

Brutal…..

and I’m right there with her…..

This is not how I expected to celebrate (I use the word very, VERY loosely) my birthday. I’m crying too. If I could have one thing for my birthday it would be to have her feel amazing.

And yet, it doesn’t seem to be happening. We don’t know why she’s barfing. Well, we know it has to do with the chemo and other meds that she’s on, but we can’t figure out why the meds she’s on are not helping to keep it under control. I hate seeing her like this. I hate not being able to “fix” it for her. I hate having to push her to eat and trying to distract her from barfing. I hate that we are going through this. I hate that I’m crying. I hate……….. I hate cancer.

Today feels overwhelming…….because it is. And we have no choice…..we can’t just jump off this train, not even for just a moment. We have to carry on. And it’s hard……

And that’s all I’ve got.

Author: Patricia Culley

I'm the ringmaster of my own circus. Just trying to stay one step ahead of the monkeys.

10 thoughts on “Brought to You by the Letter B”

  1. so. all the words in my head are just not sufficient. so, instead – today I validate you, Patti. I validate your anger and your exhaustion, your victories and defeat. I validate you throwing your fist at God and all that that entails.

    You are nothing short of amazing. Truly.

  2. Oh Patti, I am sorry for your pain. I pray soon you will be able look ahead beyond the hard stuff and hope will fill your heart…

    A: Authority: Take charge of the things you can in your life.

    B: Beautiful: You have a Beautiful family

    C: Choices: You can choose your attitude for the day

    D: Draw: You can draw from the Lord the strength you need for this day

    E: Entertainment: You have a built-in entertainment unit in your home. Your kids are darling and so creative and funny

    F: Faith: Without Faith it is impossible to please God. He who comes to God must believe that He is and that He rewards those who diligently seek Him.

    G: Good: God is Good and His thoughts and plans for you Are only Good thoughts not evil.

    H: Hang on: Hang onto the promises of God. For He is faithful who promised.

    I: I : I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me

    J: Juggle: You are juggling many things…. Look at all you have done and can do. You are an amazing person.

    K: Kind: You are kind and so many have been kind to you and your family.

    L: LIVE- LOVE -LAUGH: You have been given today: spend it the best you can.

    M: Mom: You have been given the awesome gift of being a mom. You are a beautiful mom. You are doing a wonderful job.

    N: Nothing: Remember Nothing is too difficult for God: Only believe

    O: Only Believe: All things are possible!

    Q: Quiet time: Make a little Quiet Time for yourself. So you can refill and will have something to give.

    R: Refreshing: Times of refreshing from the presence of the Lord

    S: Sing: Sing, Sing, Sing! : Singing lifts our hearts and fills the air around us with song and light: Songs in the Night.

    T: Thankfulness: Look for all the things you can be thankful for… Fill your mind with this and there will be so much less room for the fear and discouragement that sap your strength.

    U: Underneath:The eternal God is our Refuge and underneath you are the Everlasting Arms; He shall thrust out the enemy from before you and will say, Destroy! Then you shall dwell in safety.

    V: Vision: Keep a picture of the good things you are expecting to Happen for “without a vision my people perish”

    W: Weeping: It is ok to weep. Weeping may last for the night but Joy comes in the morning.

    X: EXalt: Exalt the Lord your God and Worship Him… He will save

    Y: You: You have been made more than a conqueror Through Jesus Christ our Lord.

    Z: ZZZZ: Praying you will get more ZZZ’s

  3. It’s ok to hate cancer. It’s ok to wish it wasnt your birthday or your daughter facing this or so many other things that make no sense.

    Wish there was more I could do to help. Just know I am praying for your family daily.

    Jen Nickel

  4. Patti, Your Mom and others have said it all Just want you to know we are praying and believing for miracles of the healing touch of Jesus and Geli will quit barfing and PEACE will fill your house. I feel pain deep inside for what you all are going through. We love you so much Grandma

  5. Hi Patti,

    You don’t know me. I went to PA with Jonathan but in fact I suspect he does not know who I am. However, I have been following your blog and your journey. i have been touched beyond words and yet I have never commented. I promise I will not try to placate you or feed you empty words. What I will say is that I have been thinking of you and praying for you tons. And what I will say is this: I know your pain. I was 20 with a newborn who was my first born who was sick with a foreign illness unheard of in BC. I was turning 21 and on my birthday I didn’t know if he, my newborn would live or die on my birthday for they (medical community) had nothing to offer me. So knowing that pain, i think I can in part relate and so with that memory it is with a ferverance that I fall on my knees and beg for God’s grace and mercy for you and yours during this time.

  6. Hey Patti i hated having cancer in 1993 but i hate it more when others have it. It hurt me more when other have it. It is kinda like a mountain it is hard climbing and climbing (symbolizes fighting) then you get to the top one day no more fighting you begin to go down for a ride on skis and that mountain is behind you. no longer part of your life. One day you will all get to the top and the fighting ends and you made it. That day will come. everyone has different size mountains. praying for you all.

    today barfing for an hour and half and nauseated this afternoon. will go to bed now. trying so hard to keep supper food down in my stomache. i hate the side effects of anitbiotics. i dont think i been this sick before from stupid antibiotics. and struggling to do housework. tough dday today. hope i dont barf at church tomorrow morning when i do the door. tomorrow my last day at church. monday moving all belongings to abbotsford. a new journey there.

    will keep in touch.
    love debra

  7. *hugs* to you
    *prayers* to you
    *strength* to you
    Next years birthday will be much better. I hope the last few hours of this years start to feel a bit better too.
    Love you girl
    t

  8. You are loved your family is loved and prayed for.
    I am sorry that I can’t make this go away for you.
    But I do know that God has it all in control and somehow he is going to work it all out… for good.

  9. BERYL says that things will get BETTER
    BUT this is just for a season
    BIRTHDAYS are a time to thank God for another year.
    You are BEAUTIFUL and are
    BLESSED with a wonderful family
    BE sure that God is with you all the way
    He is BIGGER than all of this
    BOUNTIFUL BLESSINGS BECAUSE we love you
    Again Happy BIRTHDAY

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