It’s my Party and I’ll Cry if I want to

I’m sitting in my room over in BC Women’s Hospital on the labour & delivery ward.

Judah and me are hanging out over here, while Geli and Jon are down the hall at Children’s, in the Oncology Ward.

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We’ve been over with Geli for a good bit of today and then resting while she was gone for her Bone Marrow biopsy and Spinal Fluid Tap and right now we’re just hanging low over here for a moment.

Today has been an “icky” day for Gelica and a “crying” day for me.

Between the excitement of the past few days, chemo treatment, tests, and wacked out sugar levels, Angelica had a barfy, yucky, nasty day……..she’s had no fever though and right now, her blood levels are within normal range – so for that we are so SO thankful.

I’m hitting the end of Judah’s second day of life and facing the lovely hormonal changes that brings. Add on top of that – very little sleep, a leukemia diagnosis, a week of stress and the looming unknown and you have a sure fire recipe for tears.

I’ve cried off and on today and feel some of the built up pressure has released, but I still feel like I could use a really good cry. Just to release all the pressure that’s built up since my last good cry about a week ago.

I hate this. This is nothing that I ever imagined for my daughter, for our immediate family, for our extended family…….it was unfathomable, until now………

I hurt for her. I hurt for Jon. I hurt for my other kids. I hurt!

I look back at some of the little life lessons that I learned over the last year and see how I can use those lessons in my life now.

Probably the biggest one with the HUGEST impact on me………..I learned through this past year in my exercise class!

Stay in the present!

You can handle just about anything that’s in front of you right now. It’s when you race beyond into the future that you can be overwhelmed. I can handle today. Tomorrow I will have the strength that I need to get through that day. If I try to imagine or figure out or plan for the next week or so, or month or 6 months from now…..its too much! The unknown is too great and overwhelming.

So today, I cry and I process and I hope and I cry some more.

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In the middle of my tears, I am aware of some blessings. I am off my feet, even if they have swollen up to elephant size again. I have some amazing quiet, one on one time with my newborn. I’m still with my “baby” even if I’m sleeping down the hall from her. We are being cared for and supported in so many amazing ways by so many amazing people. In the middle of all this chaos, I am blessed and I know it. That doesn’t mean I’m grateful that we’re walking this road, just that I can see some pretty rocks on the path in spite of the dark clouds and rain.

I’ll get through today and when tomorrow comes, I know I’ll be able to get through it as well.

Author: Patricia Culley

I'm the ringmaster of my own circus. Just trying to stay one step ahead of the monkeys.

17 thoughts on “It’s my Party and I’ll Cry if I want to”

  1. It is an interesting time isn’t it. The bad stuff, the good stuff. How can you not be crying at this point. We were not made for this! We were made for loving and supporting each other. And we are all extending as much to through our prayers as we possibly can. If there is anything we can do to assist in a practical way, please ask us so that we can help to carry the heavy load. You and Jon are doing an amazing job!

  2. You are an amazing, awesome, wife,mommy,child of God !! You look beautiful with Judah, WHAT A BOY, !!
    Geli, you looked great in your dress and those shoes were so funky. Did you steal them from Courtney? hehe
    Love you tonnes and praying continually, Uncky Wayne’o

  3. Oh Patti, thank you for taking the time to write your thoughts. You’ll look back one day and be glad you did ;0)
    Geli, you looked beautiful in your dress and with your hair all done. :0)

  4. patti,
    as i read this i cry with you. i look at the second picture and i see the pain in your eyes. Dear Lord, I pray that you will touch Patti right now, strengthen her and give her peace.

    Judah is a beautiful little man! I pray that God uses him to bring you an extra measure of joy. I pray he is an easy baby!

    always remember that there are many of us who are holding you up in prayer right now and God love Geli even more than you do!

  5. Patti
    God is with you and your whole family. Be strong and courageous. Stand firm in the midst of the storm. Don’t let your faith and trust to the LORd be shaken. Take the goodness and the promises of the Lord with you no matter how big the ahead of you. HE is always with you and He will never ever leave you alone in this journey. peace be with you.

  6. Hey beautiful!

    What a gorgeous first pic of you both! I truly believe that tears and crying is a good thing, a way for us to release overwhelming emotions – its a positive thing, a reminder of how deeply we feel but also that we shouldn’t hold onto things that don’t help us. I know that, for myself, a good cry also seems to get rid of all the “might be” scenarios I can create for myself and brings me right back to the present.

    Its not easy staying present when the present is awash with unknowns so I’m sending you strength. You are doing an amazing job with your family and I don’t doubt for a second that you will come through it stronger and closer than ever.

    Much love… xoxo

  7. hey Patti

    It is okay to cry tears releases the built up stress inside the body. when i was a cancer paitent, At the cancer clinic the doctors there told me to cry and not hold emotions inside. tears is part of healing. i was not allowed to leave the treatment until i got it all out of my chest and let all the tears come out.

    I hurt for you and Jon and kids,, then i give it to God to carry it for me. Each time i hurt for all of you i give it to God again and let Big God carry that weight for me. Jesus hurts for all of you too.

    You will all get through this and you are surrounded by prayers and love. again you are not alone.

    I also rejoice for baby Judah Zane Culley. in the midst of hard time God gave you and the family something to be happy about. He brought Judah. God’s timing is aways perfect.

    much love and prayers
    Debra

  8. Patti,
    Having done all to stand,Stand therefore!!!You express yourself so beautilly, Focus on the “pretty sones” you see and do let the tears wash the dust of this road from your eyes. You will be able to see the Father better. Enjoy the bonding time with that beautifull new boy. Did uncle Denver have any influence on his middle name? (So cool)

    We love you all and you are un our prayers continually
    Uncle Rick

    PS Gelli you look so adorable!!!!!

  9. Hey Patti! I just want to send you all a great big hug! Wish I could be there to give you a shoulder to cry on. You are very loved! Still praying and won’t stop. šŸ™‚
    luv ya!
    Niki

  10. Hi Patti

    In the midst of all these challenges the past two weeks, you have continued to set an awesome example as a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend and the apple of God’s eye. You are so beautiful in every aspect and the Father’s love just overflows from you, even from the photos posted. Thank you for being you and for touching my life in ways that I cannot put in to words. You are loved and it’s ok to have a good cry. My prayer is that you would feel the Father’s arms around you right now, holding close to His heart and filling you with an overwhelming sense of release and peace. Be blessed.

  11. Still praying you and your family. Crying is good to do, as ppl above me have said. You have a beatiful boy congrats!

  12. Patti, I so wish I had something really profound to say, but truth is everybody has said it all… You really are an amazing amazing lady, mother, wife and the list goes on and on (including cousin hee…hee) ….. I in so many ways wish I could just be there with you, not that I have amazing words or anything but just to walk beside you. But hey better then that He is and He gives the greatest gifts…Judah is AWESOME!!!! and He is working…. I love you tons, and think of you all the time.. literally.

    Angelica, you looked fabulous at your grad!!!! I am praying for you and love you tons, hey, do me a favour give your dad the biggest hug from his cousin eh! Thanks, knew you would be able to help me with that, oh, since you got that covered can you give Mum and the cute little baby brother of yours one too…hee…hee… I like the picture of you and Judah…. very cute!!! Lots of Love

  13. I hadn’t checked in on your blog for a few weeks. But today I thought the baby must have been born by now I should get caught up. And wow what an update. I can’t imagine the strength it is taking you to handle all of this at one time. We are praying for all of you to come through this. I hope in documenting your journey that it helps you find strength today and the opportunity to look back on it in the future.

  14. Well, it seems that I never should have made fun of your swollen feet. I now have my own!! Not so great, but minor in the grand scheme of things. When I get back into the “swing of things” I might join that “exercise class” of yours. Learning how to stay in the present and not sweat the future is such a hard thing to do. I’m praying for you guys! Glad someone found Geli some pink high tops. They match the dress perfectly! She looks great! I had to wear one of my mom’s dresses to my my 8th grade grad so I am totally jealous of how cute she looks.

  15. OH, we are praying for you all. I know I don’t often comment, but please know we are here, reading, and praying. HUGS! AND.OH.MY.GOSH! what I wouldn’t give to squish those fat baby cheeks of Judah’s!

  16. Well, as Phil pointed out I am not your Aunty, but who cares. To long an explanation anyhow. Sisters of a common mother :).

    I love you honey and my heart hurts to know the pain behind the tears in the corners of your eyes. I understand the ache of a heart when you know you can’t do anything to change what is going on. Yet . . . . . I have also gone through enough that when I allowed God to carry me (which is what you guys have already done) I was able to get through each moment of each day. Breath by breath. God is incredibly good at lifting us up and placing us in a strangely peaceful spot in the midst of the storm.

    I was in a church (how uncommon) and one of the speakers of that service spoke about a man who had gone through great sorrow. He had asked someone to paint him a picture of peace so that he could hang it on his wall as something to look at to give him comfort. The artist painted a picture of a beautiful brook up in the mountains (probably like where your mom and dad love to hike) the valley had lovely flowers sprinkled through out the expanse and the sky was filled with fluffly clouds.

    The man who commissioned the picture looked at it and was deeply diassapointed. The quality was there in the workmanship, but to him it did not depict peace.

    He commissioned another artist to take on the task and show “real” peace. His painting came back with a sea that was tossed with howling winds and a raging waves crashing againsst the cliffs. Up high in the cliffs was a little bird nestled in small opening the cleft of the cliff, asleep. It knew that though it was indeed in the midst of a storm, it was sheltered in a place of safety and feared no harm.

    That story has taken me through many storms since and I hold tight to that picture. The other Pastor that day spoke about perseverance. He said these words, which I had said to an aquaintance of mine about how I felt not too long before that trip. “‘You may be one breath away from giving up and one prayer away from a miracle’, God is saying to you Persevere.”

    “Father . . . . I ask that you touch Jon, Patti, Angelica and Judah in this very moment. We bring the entire family before your throne as well. Let your hand rest upon their hearts. As you have shown us in the past, it can be a hand that is truly felt. Quiet their spirits and settle Geli’s stomach. What man can do is so much less than what you are doing even right now in their family, in their spirits.

    Thank you that you are “Addonai”. Peace, rest, a body that is indeed in balance in every way.
    Amen

    Love Aunty Jo.

  17. WOW- YOU ARE ALL AMAZING. CONGRATS ON YOUR NEW “LIL” GUY! PRAYING FOR COMPLETE HEALING OF YOUR DAUGHTER- AND STRENGTH AND FAITH FOR YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY. GOD KNOWS OUR ABILITIES IN A WAY THAT SEEMS FAR BETTER THAN OUR KNOWLEDGE- BECAUSE PERSONALLY IT FEELS SOMETIMES THAT WE ARE HANDED SOME SITUATIONS THAT WE THINK WE CANT HANDLE. JUST THINK OF THE FOOTPRINTS POEM AND KNOW THAT GOD IS CARRYING YOU NOW MORE THAN EVER.
    AS FOR THE CRYING- GIRL I ALMOST DONT KNOW IF I WOULD BE DOING ANYTHING BESIDES! – LOL. THE HORMONAL STUFF WILL PASS BUT WITH EVERYTHING YOU ARE DEALING WITH LET THEM FLOW WHEN YOU NEED TO.

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