Wholeness – A Stream of Consciousness

I’ve been struggling recently. Not with being thankful, as that’s a pretty good habit of mine. I’ve been stress eating or just eating garbage or eating my feelings……..regardless of what I want to call it, I feel like I’m out of control.

art by me ~2018

I feel like I’m trapped in a downward spiral of food and I hate it hatred.

That’s an interesting word swap.

I initially said to myself that “I hate it” but I’m wondering if “hatred” is closer to the truth.

It definitely resonates truer, inside of myself.

Except, I don’t hate myself. At least, I don’t think I do.

Do I hate my body? I‘m disgusted by it.

Can I love something that I’m disgusted by? That’s a good question.

Why do I feel disgusted by it?

And, if I’m disgusted by it, but it houses me, it’s a part of me….then am I disgusted with me?

And then we’re back to the hatred.

Interesting……..

I desperately want to make peace with myself. I want to stop fighting against anxiety, and my body, and my mind. I want to accept all these flawed pieces of myself as one incredible whole. I want to stop trying to disconnect myself from the parts of me that I feel are unworthy of acceptance and love.

Somehow, I feel this goes back to perfectionism. And yet, factually, I know that’s an unattainable goal. I’ve somehow believed that I need to be perfect to be loved and accepted and that the parts of me,that aren’t perfect, are bad.

I just want to “be” me. I want to love me, all of the parts of me.

Like, my family, is a whole. Made up of different personalities and “pieces”. None of those pieces are less than or bad. They are just different and each adds their own beauty and uniqueness to the world. Some of them struggle more than other and there are challenges but I don’t consider any of them bad, or less than perfect, or disgusting. Each is just a beautiful part of the whole.

So, how do I get there with myself. How do I recognize and see and love all the pieces of myself as valuable and intrinsic to the whole?

That is a good question and one that I don’t have a clear answer to, at this exact moment; but I believe that I’ll get there.

Today, I’m thankful for the opportunity to grow and heal. I’m thankful for self-reflection. I’m so incredibly thankful for counseling and therapy. I’m thankful for the freedom that comes when you turn towards the things that scare you and you realize that it’s okay. You’re okay. I’m thankful to be on a journey towards wholeness. I’m thankful for every step on this journey…..even the hard ones.