Month: December 2008

Where to even begin……

I’m a bit overwhelmed at the number of things that I could talk about…the funny stories, the fun times with family and friends, the snow – OH MY GOODNESS, THE SNOW!!!!!!! – slowing down, clearing out and cleaning up…..there is just so much to talk about and so little time.

The baby is sleeping right now which means that I have to choose wisely…..as I sit here in my pyjamas smelling of 2 day old funk…..blogging is probably not the “wisest” choice….and so I will be quick.

I have pictures to share and will get to them as time allows.

It’s busy having the kids home from school, AND….I want to be able to be there for them and not to be glued to this screen. I have to admit that I’m surprised at how easy it’s been to ignore my computer for the past while. Typically it calls to me like the “cracK” it is…whispering of all the sweet time we could waste together and fortunately….my kids quiet ha ha ha ha ha ha I just about peed myself over here….okay, well they are really not all that quiet, but it would have made a good story to talk about how my kids quiet whispers as they asked for some stories to be read cuddled on the couch and how it warmed my heart.

Reality is a bit more brutal. Some fights, some games, a lot of Wii – thanks Mum and Dad C.- and most of all lots of laughter….well, really…most of all, lots of food. My kids sure eat a lot….I’d like to say that it’s the healthy food I give them…that they just love to fill their “preshus wittle bodies with all that good healty vitamin rich goodnes”, but really…sometimes….I just wonder if they have worms or parasites or something….these kids are machines when it comes to food!

So, with all the thought whizzing around in my brain, I am going to go and take a shower and if I still have time…..I might make a list of all the things that I have to talk about and possibly, hopefully, give a really good shot at whittling it down to the funniest, the saddest, the more exciting….you know…all the really highly charged emotional stuff that makes for really good blogging……or I could just get on here with no thought and blabber on and on and on….cause ya all know I’ve done enough of that recently……

I do hope that your Christmas was full of peace and that you were able to be apart of some really amazing memories.

And so I leave you with my best Arnold voice and say……I’ll be back!

Christmas Cheer

I’ve really been thinking about Christmas and all the crap.

How’s that for some excellent Christmas Cheer?

See, with all the changes in our lives that we’ve made and are making as far as simplifying and cutting down and cutting back – I just can’t fathom going out and wastefully buying a whole bunch of “FUN” but “USELESS” stuff all in the name of Christmas.

At the same time, I want Christmas to be fun for the kids and for us as a family. I’m not really certain of what to do.

I do want to get the kids some fun things for under the tree. But, I’ve also been wanting to get toys that will last. Things that I can hold onto for when my kids have kids….things that can be passed down and treasured, and not things that just break before New Years comes around.

It doesn’t help that the kids recognize that they don’t really “NEED” anything. Sure, there are wants and hopes and “things that would be fun”, but I asked Xandra to write me a “Christmas Wish List” and she looked at me and thought for a moment and then said, “But really Mom, I don’t really need anything.”

She wants books. Geli did write a list, and when I asked her what was really important to her on that list….well…..nothing really.

Jeremy is a whole ‘nuther story. That kid would live his life at TOYSRUS if it was okay. He loves, loves, LOVES to get “stuff”.

And Josiah, we bought him one truck thing and he’s already played with it, but I’m going to wrap it up anyway, and I might even wrap a few of his current toys and thorw them under the tree. What does he know….the wrapping paper is going to be the biggest part of his Christmas this year.

Now, all of this is indicating that NO….we’ve not done our Christmas shopping yet.

THAT SUCKS! Eh?

That is partly because we’ve been waiting for some invoices to get paid – that’s another gift to ourselves….no added CC debt which also adds to the no stress factor which is all a good thing….

But, I’ll admit that not getting it done yet is a bit stressful on me….BUT….Jon has cleared his day on Thursday and we are going to do the bulk of it all and I have picked up a few things so it’ll all work out and be good. Anything left, we’ll finish up on Saturday when my parents have offered to take the kids and whatever doens’t get done…..doesn’t get done.

I’m not too stressed about it.

So, I’m not really sure where I’m going with all this. Nice, eh? One of my famous rambles…..

I think my point is that I want this season to be about more than “How much crap can I get?” I want to be able to tach my kids to recognize that they get what they need and that it’s SO MUCH FUN TO GIVE…..to give to those who don’t have everything they need or even just to others that you love.

I wish I had been a little more organized and been able to get the kids to make their own gifts for loved ones this year. I guess there is still some time…isn’t there?

We’ll have to sit down tonight and really think it through……

One thing that I am doing that is so cool is that we have a “White Elephant Gift Exchange” with my family every year and we buy a present with a set dollar value. This year I’m buying a water filter from Impact Nations and I’m going to put that in as my contribution.

I think it’s a great gift. You get to impact so many lives with clean healthy water. You get to give knowing that you’ve made a difference. You also don’t have to add to the crap in your own house.

Check it out.

Alright, that’s enough blathering for one day. I apologize for my lack of focus…..Siah is cutting molars….YES IT’S THAT FUN OVER HERE. and we’ve been up for the past few nights with him and well…I don’t think I’m coming across as clear and consise and I’d like to and well….I entirely blame Siah….and his cruddy sleeping over the past 3 days.

And I figure that it’s better to just stop now than to keep on going….I’ll come back later when I have a better grasp on what “focus” means….

In Keeping With the Theme…..

So, last week was a bit of a rough week for us over here, BUT……..we’ve survived and are back to being our cheerful happy selves.

Thanks for sharing with me. I love it when your girlfriends will sit down and cry with you and then out of left field, you get a dear friend who gives you a bit of a kick in the pants, and it’s all good. Thank you…….seriously THANK YOU!

But, in the middle of all of this, I’ve been noticing that my house has kind of thrown up on itself.

I was NEVER a packrat – EVER! in fact, I would regularly go through my “memory chest” and re-sort and file (under G for Garbabge) things so that I only ever had a certain amount of “the most important things“.

A few years into marriage, someone who lived next door to us, had peeked in through our window (can we say creepy, sleezy, stalker?) and wanted to know if we were moving. It was far enough into our marriage that we weren’t sporting that “just got married/don’t have enough stuff/trying to fake that we really are grown ups now” look. I just really REALLY liked a clean, no extra crap look.

Only the bare essentials for me thank you….

This continued on in our married lives for years. In fact, we moved houses 9 times in 7 years, and instead of it being a problem (I mean, obviously we had problems as you can tell because what “normal” person moves 9 times in 7 years…..at least 4 of those with kids) I actually looked forward to it because it was just another opportunity to “throw more crap away“.

And then……..THEN…..then we moved to our current home. Where we apparently set down roots….or had a pile driver come out and drive some piles into our current home. We’ve been here for the past 7.5 years. Even for the first couple of years, I just threw things out. It was kind of like a revolving door policy. If something was going to come in, then something else needed to go out. I only had “so much” room and was not going to let things get cluttered.

And now here I am and my house feels CHAOTIC, and I don’t understand how we got here, where all this stuff came from and when did I change and WHY?

I’ve been getting rid of crap lately (see, my theme that I mentioned – ha ha ha ha) No, I’m serious. I’ve been throwing stuff out. If it’s not super important to me or the kids – then OUT it goes.

And, over the weekend, we got rid of a van load of junk, and I have another van load of junk to go tonight. I’m totally embarrased typing that out, because I must admit that I’m barely even started yet. Now, before you go all “crazy” and think that I’m living in the dump….remember that my normal sense of “clutter free” is probably a bit harsher than yours….remember the previous comments of my house looking like we were moving…yah – I like the minimalist look.

But, I did have WAY TOO MUCH CRAP and I’ll be throwing it out, giving it away, or selling it so that I can finally feel like I can breathe again.

I think I figured out when and why it happened.

Almost 4 years ago, we sweet little boy died before we even got a chance to hold him, and it ROCKED MY WORLD.

I’ve not been the same since.

It was hard to breathe let alone worry about my house. It was an effort to just survive and only the very most important things got any energy focused toward them…..like caring for the kids, but honestly, I don’t think I did a very good job of even that. It’s amazing to me when I see how far from “that place” that I am, but it’s sad to see how the “effect” of losing Nathaniel is still with me.

I’m stronger than I knew I was, and yet I’m also aware of a sense of frailty. I can’t “do it all“. I recognize that I tire easier. I can’t plan too many events in a row or I feel overwhelmed. I like my alone and quiet time. I’m just so different. It’s the same me but different. I sit here trying to explain in words, and I fell like I’m not doing a very good job, and really to say “it feels like a part of me died with Nathaniel” is probably the best way of explaining it. Not in a sad, depressed way, but just that a small part of me changed and will never be the same, and that happened when Nathaniel died. I still don’t think I’m explaining it well, but that’s okay.

Back to my house….I just didn’t care as much about……well….I just didn’t care about much. But the further I get away from that point in time, the more I’m aware of the healing that takes place over time. I don’t think there is anything else that can make the process go faster – just TIME!

And no – having Siah didn’t make things better. I love Josiah. I’m so thrilled that he’s a part of my life. He has his own spot in my heart and in my life. He didn’t fill the spot that was Nathaniel’s; he never could, and he was or never is supposed to.

I love the fact that Nathaniel is still having an impact on my life today. I never got to hug, and raise him, but his legacy lives on. It lives on with every “thing” that I process and learn about “living, dying, grieving and healing”

In thinking about my house and processing why I am at where I am today, and how I got here….I realize that it’s all a part of the process. I can choose to see it as such or I can be frustrated.

I choose to just walk it out. And so today, walking it out means that I am seriously decluttering.

And I’m loving it.

How about you? Are you a pack rat or do you like the minimalist look or do you have a healthy balance?

Hey! How YOU Doing?

Alright, so it’s been an amazing week of barf, diarrhea, diarrhea, and more diarrhea.

And you, How’ve things been for you?

I bet my week trumps your week, no?

On top of all that “fun-ness”, I reluctantly kept both Xandra and Jeremy home from school as school policy states that “your child should be 24 hours diarrhea-free” before you send their germ-y goodness back to class.

Let me just say that I so appreciate the teachers. Jeremy’s teacher in particular, but Xandra is a whole fun ball of emotional energy in her own special way, as well.

Now, it’s not entirely fair in that I get Jeremy “med-free” and we dope him heavily before we send him off to lay siege on his classroom, to war, to school.

I must explain…..well, actually – I really don’t have to, but I want to….because if me and my situation can in any way help you to understand some child and their parent better or to help you to give just a little extra grace to “that child” in church or at the mall or heck, even in your own family, or even if you just walk away and say “THANK GOD THAT’S NOT ME HAVING TO DEAL WITH ALL THAT” I think I might understand how or why that poor mom looks like hell so frazzled, nope I won’t ask her to bake 4 dozen cookies to bring to the “troop” meeting tomorrow night…..then my work here is done.

At this point, I’m actually just giong to go ahead and see if I can use a world record amount of punctuation marks, quotation marks and such in this post……

I choose to joke and laugh about the situation that we are in, mostly because I like to. I like to find the humor in things and well, in our family, there is a lot of humor to be found.

I can either choose to be angry about what’s going on and get all controlled and then get even more angry when “it” (life) doesn’t fit into my perfect little controlled scheme OOOOOOOOOORRRRR, I can laugh, and just kinda “Flow with it”.

I will honestly admit that I’ve been WAY more of a angry controlled type person for a lot of my life….not that I’ve had tons to be angry about, but the whole cycle of FEAR leading into CONTROL, leading into CHAOS, which makes us ANGRY mostly because we are full of FEAR, which cycles us right back into CONTROL and well….you can see how the cycle keeps on going, eh?

I’ve changed (some) over the past 3-4 years and it’s not been without counselling, but it has definately been for the better and not for the worse.

Okay, Back to my most wonderful son…..

Life with Jeremy is SO MUCH STINKING WORK!

It’s so true. Yesterday, after 2 days of being at home “med-free” I dosed him up. He was absolutely “pinging” off of everything. I had yelled at him lovingly helped him to understand the error of his ways, many, many MANY times, and this was all before 9am. Can you see how the day was shaping up to be a really awesome day?

So I did. I gave him some Ritalin, and even though it took a bit to kick it – yesterday was a pretty pleasant day….sort of. See, there is a HUGE sliding scale of what “pleasant” means. In my world, if nothing gets majorly burnt, irrepairably destroyed, no one gets seriously hurt, and there are no major screaming tear filled melt downs – then I consider it pleasant.

Did you notice all those adjectives in front of those words….yah…that there is the kicker. On a normal day….at that stuff still happens, but if we can “fix” the situation then I consider it to all be succesful.

Man, I’m tired!

I’m sure this post must be winning some award for the longest, worst punctuated, most run on sentances and poor grammer, but really…this is just how it is. Life is messy. My life might be messier than some, and less messier than others. But….this is my life, and I’m okay with it. Tired, but okay.

Okay, so I gave Jeremy some Ritalin….that’s where we were, right, and like I said, the day was okay.

The thing is…..I wonder sometimes…..I wonder what J would be like if he didn’t have ADD/ADHD. Would he be like he was yesterday? He was more subdued than normal. He worked his butt off helping around the house. He cleaned the TV room, he set the table, he wante to do the after supper dishes, he vaccumed, he cleaned his own room (and it looked like a nuclear bomb went off in there before), he got his pyjamas on without being asked, he packed his bag for the next day, he brushed his teeth and he got into his bed to “try” to go to sleep…..and then at 10:30pm he came out crying because he had been trying so hard to go to sleep and he just couldn’t….and that broke my heart.

This kid doesn’t sleep. It’s awful. I wonder if half his problem isn’t that he’s just sleep deprived. I don’t know what to do about that…but that’s a tangent….

He did all that stuff……NORMALLY….he would have ignored that mess and those responsibilites and created the worlds largest human-made spider web in the front room with my most favorite and most expensive ball of wool, and then would have been reduced to a sobbing mess when I didn’t leave it there as a work of art for the rest of eternity.

What do I mean by a spider web….well, take a ball of wool or string or something and attach it to and around every surface in a room, weaving under and in and out a couple of hundred times……yah…it’s awesome….and hell, to clean up….it usually involves scissors, lots of bad words mumble under your breath, maybe a yell or two, and almost always sobbing…..OH MY GOODNESS THE SOBBING!

Really, honestly, i have no idea where I’m going with all of this….I’ve just had 3 days at home with my darlings (I haven’t even talked about the “special-ness” of Xandra) and today is the first day that they are back at school and I have a moment to breathe.

I love my kids. I love their creativity. I hate that Jeremy needs some extra help to be able to function well in the world. I hate being tired. I hate worrying about Siah….that one’s weighing on me right now, but it must be a post for another day. I……..

Well…I have a lot of other “I’s” that I could say, but……couldd I hear from you?

What do you find is the most troubling, stressful or difficult thing that you deal with in your life? Heck, it doesn’t even have to be the most difficult….just something difficult or stressful?

Help a girl out, eh? Let me know that I’m not alone stressing about things?