Fulfilled

I can’t believe that April is here already. This month has gone faster than I expected.

This weekend has been a busy one and I’m tired. Today I sat on my front deck, in the sun, listened to the silence and it was glorious.

I’ve enjoyed this month of gratitude. Being present and aware of what’s happening around me. Looking for the good even when things are tough. It’s been a good 31 days and I’m looking forward to continuing my gratitude practise but I probably won’t post daily about my gratitude.

Even though this month is up, I’ve really enjoyed posting. I used to post daily; back in my other life….when my big kids were little, and before the decade of trauma.

April is Autism Awareness Month. I recently saw something that referenced Autism Awareness, Acceptance and Appreciation.

I love the idea of growth and movement in our understanding of Autism.

There is definitely a need to bring awareness. It is so important that we accept diversity and the very things that make people special and unique. It’s important to not try and force people to conform to our understanding of typical and acceptable behaviour. But moving beyond awareness and acceptance, when you can begin to appreciate the beauty that individuality brings to our world; when you can see people’s strengths and not just focus on their challenges, that when we really start to “see” people. That’s an incredible thing.

So, I’m going to continue posting. I dunno if it will be everyday but I’ll figure something out.

I sure do appreciate you coming along for the ride. Don’t hesitate to comment or ask a question, if you have one. There are no stupid questions.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this past month of gratitude and will continue to enjoy April’s posting.

I’m so very thankful for you!

Advocacy

Today, I was so grateful to be able to spend the day with an incredible group of people who are passionate about inclusion and equitable access to education.

I cannot believe that I only got 2 pictures throughout the whole day.

We started the day off listening to Shelley Moore. She was fabulous, hilarious, insightful and inspiring. We paused for lunch and spent some time chatting with others who are passionate about advocacy and inclusion.

After lunch there were some incredible breakout sessions; and I attended one about IEP’s and Language and another about Safety Plans. After that, there was a fabulous youth panel made up of neuro-diverse youth and it was fabulous to hear the insight of these incredible kids (mine being one of them.)

Being within a group of like minded people is amazing…..and it’s what I am so thankful for today.

What were you thankful for?

Blessed

We are so blessed.

I got a message today that someone wanted to buy dinner for us. It was totally unexpected and such a blessing.

We LOVE sushi and our “dinner angels” blessed us with sushi delivered to our door. It was extravagant and made us feel SO VERY SPECIAL!

Today I am thankful for unexpected blessings, for not having to cook dinner, for not having to clean up dinner mess, for sushi and especially for our “dinner angels”. It was such a lovely blessing and we feel so very special!

Thank you!

Spring

I’m absolutely loving the sunshine whenever it peeks out at us.

I love the sun. I even love the snow. I just struggle with the rain. So to have had all the sunshine we have had recently had been such a blessing.

Today, in honour of spring, I painted my toenails a bright, cheery, turquoise. I’m SO thankful for these hints and reminders of that glorious thing we call summer.

I’m one of those people who don’t ever complain in the summer. Bring on the heat, the hotter, the better.

I can’t wait for those hot days! So, today I am so very thankful for Spring and the warmth and light it heralds.

What are you thankful for?

Grace

I had plans to post every day this month. I knew that Spring Break was the last two weeks of the month and figured that if a practise of gratitude was ever called for, it would be during these two weeks.

While we’ve done okay with the chaos and stress of life, there have definitely been moments and yesterday was probably the toughest day, so far.

It’s nothing crazy. Sometimes, one of my boys gets “stuck” in a certain mindset or fixated on a specific thing; and the other boy gets triggered by the fixation. It means that we get stuck in a loop of triggering and fixation. Trying to help 2 kids to regulate in different ways, for different reasons, while attempting to stay regulated myself, is difficult if not near impossible.

By the end of the day, I was going to try and post and then I looked at the time and it was 12:02am.

Immediately, my brain went into overdrive. I could post and back date it. Or maybe I could post twice but then that wouldn’t be posting every day.

I had about 20 seconds of panic before I said to myself,

I don’t have to be perfect. It’s not a failure to miss posting for one day. You still have many things to be thankful for. Nothing is wrecked. You don’t owe anyone, anything. You are good enough. It’s okay to just let this one go.

And so I did!

I rolled over, turned out the light and went to sleep.

In the past, I’d have fixated on this mistake, this error, this imperfection……but I want to live a life where I’m not trapped by perfection. It doesn’t mean that I don’t want to try and do a good job or to try my best. I want to afford myself grace and mercy. I want to live a life where I’m not my enemy, instead I am my champion.

That may sound self-centered but I believe it has more to do with love. I want to love myself and to treat myself with respect. I try to live a life where I treat others with love, compassion, understanding, grace and mercy. I believe that I am worthy of those same things. But in the past, I’ve been too hard on myself. I’ve placed unreal expectations of perfection on myself and berated myself when I couldn’t live up to those expectations.

It’s amazing to see that although old mindsets are still there, that I’m spending less time stuck in them. That I’m able to move beyond self loathing and into grace.

Today I’m thankful for opportunities to grow, to have grace for myself. I’m thankful to see forward movement in an area that I was previous stuck in. So even though yesterday was a tougher day and it resulted in my not posting, I’m still thankful……SO very thankful for grace and mercy and kindness and compassion.

What are you thankful for today?

Pain, Coping and Recovery

Today is a special day. Five years ago today, my sweet Xandra decided to make a change in her life.

She told us that she wanted to talk to us. We knew she’d been struggling for years with depression and anxiety.

It’s hard not to when your sister was diagnosed with cancer, your baby brother was born, your brothers have autism and you’re unsure how to deal with it all. You don’t know if you should bear the weight of everything because your mom and dad are overwhelmed. You don’t want to burden them any more, but you still have needs.

Xani told us that she’d been cutting for a year. That she’d been using this self-harm as a way to cope and alleviate the emotional/mental stress that she had been feeling. She showed us her arms and her legs. She wanted help to stop cutting and knew she couldn’t do it alone.

I was in shock.

She was so badly wounded. Her physical body was a outward representation of how wounded and how much pain she felt internally.

As a mom, it’s a horrible place to be in. To try to hold it together and be loving and compassionate and understanding.

To offer unconditional love and acceptance to the hurting person in front of you, while at the same time feeling absolute helplessness to know how to move forward.

Wondering how to get your child help, to give your child help.

Feeling terrifying rage at the person who mutilated and hurt your child, all the while knowing that it was YOUR child who did this to themselves. Knowing that they must have felt unimaginable emotional and mental pain to have even considered this as an option.

The dichotomy of emotions was huge.

I’d love to say that we had a well thought out game plan. That we rocked her recovery. But the the truth is……this was Xani’s journey.

She determined that she didn’t like where she at and that something needed to change. She reached out for help. She was open about the pain she had been and was currently experiencing. She recognized and identified the harmful things she was doing to cope with and escape her pain. She chose to walk away from those harmful coping mechanisms. Did she struggle on her road to recovery. Absolutely! But she reached out for relationship and community when she felt tempted to cut. When she felt the pain and stress rising up internally – instead of hiding and coping on her own, she reached out. She brought her feelings out into the open and allowed us to walk with her.

We……..we were there. We were available….to love, to accept, to champion, to talk, to just BE there.

Today, I’m SO VERY thankful.

I’m thankful for so many things. I’m thankful for this incredible woman that I have the honour to call my daughter. I’m thankful for courage and her strength and her vulnerability. I’m thankful to be on this side of this journey. I’m thankful for the perspective that this journey gave me. I’m thankful for the opportunity to love and accept. I’m thankful for the knowledge that we as people experience pain and look for ways to treat the pain and cope; often how we “cope” is in unhealthy ways….but that doesn’t make us bad or unloveable or unworthy; it just makes us human.

We are all worthy of love and acceptance; not in spite of who we are, but because of who we are.

ps. I have Xani’s permission to share about her journey. But I’ve also shared my perspective of it because this is my life, my journey and my perspective.

Knitting

I love knitting.

There’s something so rhythmic and therapeutic about knitting. When you hit a groove and it’s just stitch after stitch, creating something. When you see the project grow and take shape. It’s an incredible feeling.

My grandma taught me how to knit when I was 9,10,11……somewhere in there. I remember watching her knit and thinking it seemed so complicated and then she taught me how to knit and helped me knit my very own Condo Sweater. It looked similar to this….and was the perfect pink/peach shade.


I was SO proud to knit my own sweater, especially because it was a popular style back then.

I knit off and on over the years but really started to pick it back up about 10 years ago.

It’s definitely a therapeutic experience for me, now.

So today, I’m so thankful that my grandma taught me to knit so many years ago and I’m thankful that I have ways to de-stress and relax.

What are you thankful for today?

Gardening

I’m so excited to be thinking about this years garden.

starting seeds

We live in the city and don’t have a huge backyard. On top of that, we have a 14 ft. trampoline and a 16 ft. pool. Once we get both of those crammed in, there isn’t a huge amount of space, but there’s enough for some container gardening.

new boxes for this year

In past summers, I’ve been able to grow and harvest over 200 lbs of veggies from my small backyard. I think that’s pretty impressive considering the size of our yard. I do a lot of “growing up” as opposed to sprawling.

I love eating what we grow, but I think I love the whole process, even more. I love growing food and flowers from seeds. I love growing plants together to enhance their yield. I love going out each morning and watering the plants while sipping my coffee. I love watching the bees come buzzing about to fertilize my plants. I love the smell of the dirt. I love watching my garden start out so barren and stark, become a huge green fertile space, overflowing with flowers and greens and veggies.

Our yard looks pretty rough right now, but I can’t wait for summer. The planning and prep that we put in now is so worth it.

It’s like life. If you put in the effort and energy to plan good things, to dig out the harmful things that choke out life, to plant good seeds. Nurture them and you will see a harvest. Do nothing and the weeds take over and don’t allow for good things to be produced.

I’m so very thankful to be starting work on our garden and to be able to continue to work on my own life. So I can reap and harvest good things.

What are you thankful for?

Half Way

It’s hard to believe that we are almost half way through Spring Break.

Over the years, we’ve had some AMAZING Spring Breaks and some incredibly challenging Spring Breaks.

Having 5 kids is incredible. I love each and every one of them. But it’s also got its challenges. The way I look at it, that’s life. Life comes with good and bad and we don’t always get to choose which part of life we encounter. What we get to choose is how we act and react to the different things that we come up against.

My two big girls have moved out. My 18 year old son is working full time and so this Spring Break is just me and the two little boys.

It’s odd. Odd to only have 2 in the house but awesome at the same time.

So far, our first week has just been about chilling, relaxing, and making it through each day. We talked today about what we would like to do next week and the boys have a few ideas. We’ll see how much I actually have energy for when we get there.

Today, I’m thankful that this first half of Spring Break has been pretty chill and that we aren’t overwhelmed with chaos and stress.

Are you on Spring Break?

How’s it gone for you, so far?

What are you thankful for today?

Health

I’m so very thankful for the continued opportunity to work towards my health goals.

I’ve spent a lot of years focused on losing weight. Not that I don’t need to lose weight, because I do. But over the past year my focus has shifted from wanting to lose weight so I could be a below certain number; to wanting to be healthier so I can live my best life.

I’m not out training for a marathon, or taking all the exercise classes but I have made a shift towards more movement, better eating and balance.

I have a tendency to be an all or nothing kind of person and trying to find the balance is often difficult for me.

In looking at goals, for myself, this year…..I came across a very wise woman who shared her goal of wanting to exercise more days in a month than she didn’t. That was something that just seemed to click with me.

So that’s been a goal and for the most part it’s been working. If nothing else, I’m trying to get a walk in daily.

So today, I’m thankful that I have a new opportunity every day to work towards my personal health goals. I’m definitely a “work in progress” but I’m so thankful that I’m progressing.

What are you thankful for today?